What Is Congruence in Therapy? | Real Counseling Orlando
Congruence means that what you feel, what you think, what you say, and what you do line up with one another. It’s one of the central goals of therapy, and one of the most useful ideas I use in my own work with clients.
You’ve heard the word before. In high school geometry, two figures are congruent when they’re identical in shape and size. The term came into psychology through Carl Rogers, founder of person-centered therapy, who saw the gap between who we really are and who we present ourselves to be as a central source of psychological distress. In people, perfect congruence isn’t the goal. Direction is.
What does incongruence look like?
Something I see often, both in the office and in my personal life, is people saying X and then doing Y, or people feeling X but saying they feel Y.
Example: you’re in a horrible mood, and your partner, co-worker, or neighbor asks, “How are you?” You reply, “I’m good.” You’re not good. You’re feeling horrible, and your words are incongruent with your feelings.
Is all incongruence a problem?
No, and it’s worth being clear about that. Some incongruence is actually needed. It’s probably not a good idea when your boss asks “How are you?”, to reply, “Well, actually sir, I’m hopelessly depressed and have been drinking quite heavily.” Being strategic about what you share, and with whom, is healthy.
The important distinction is between incongruence by choice and incongruence by habit/fear. Choosing not to tell your boss is a decision. Being unable to tell your spouse, or yourself, is something else.
When it becomes a pattern
I don’t believe habitual incongruence is neutral. If it goes on long enough, a person can stop noticing the gap at all. Some people spend so much time meeting the expectations of others, whether parents, family, or society, that they become alienated from what they actually want. In my experience, this often shows up in the office as an all-pervasive depression or anxiety (often both) that they can’t quite put their finger on. It’s not the only cause of either, but it’s one I see often.
Two patterns come up again and again.
Emotional suppression. Someone learns young that in their house, their thoughts, feelings, and needs don’t matter and will always be vetoed in favor of what the adults want. They grow up, have relationships, and repeat the pattern. Partner: “How are you feeling?” “I’m good.” “Do you want to do such-and-such?” “I don’t have a preference.” To them, it may genuinely feel like they have no preference, because having one is so unfamiliar.
Career choice. Perhaps someone’s parents pushed them hard toward a certain path, say, physician. They did the schooling, followed through, and are now practicing medicine and absolutely miserable, possibly unsure why.
How therapy works on incongruence.
The work generally has three parts.
1. Uncover what you actually prefer. This isn’t always obvious. If you were told your entire life that boys should enjoy sports, played them in your youth, and now watch them regularly, it can be a real shock to discover that you don’t actually like sports. One caution: the goal isn’t to assume everything you were taught is false. Preferences are shaped by experience, and sometimes people come to genuinely love things they were pushed into. The question is what’s true for you right now.
2. Reconcile with your present circumstances. It can be very painful to realize you’ve spent decades living in line with someone else’s expectations, consistently putting aside what you felt and wanted. There’s usually a lot of grief, guilt, and regret at this point.
3. Make changes as far as is practical. Take the career example. Sometimes people who followed their parents’ expectations end up in a “golden handcuffs” situation. They’re deeply unhappy in a job they never wanted, but the money is good and now they have responsibilities, so walking away cleanly isn’t realistic. That’s a legitimate constraint. The question becomes how to move toward congruence anyway. Are there roles within the job that are closer to what you would have liked? Parts you can step away from? A way to shift direction gradually?
Why it matters
The purpose of all this, I believe, is peace. I think the mind tends to push back against prolonged incongruence, whether through low mood, anxiety, or a persistent sense that something is off. It’s not a binary of all congruent or all incongruent. But if peace is what you want, you have to trend toward congruence, with your spouse, and especially with yourself.
A question to take with you
This week, notice one moment when you said “I’m fine” and it wasn’t true. You don’t have to change anything yet. Just notice it. If you find that the gap is wider than you expected, or you can’t tell what you actually want, that’s something therapy is well suited to help with.
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Practical Details
Location: In-person in Baldwin Park, available virtually throughout FL.
Format: Individual therapy only
Approach: Psychodynamic, depth-oriented
Payment: Private pay, (sliding scale may be available); credit card, debit card, HSA, cash
Specialties: Depression, Anxiety, Addictions, Veterans, Men’s Issues, Neurodivergent & ADHD Counseling
Nick Sterling, MA | Real Counseling Orlando | Depression therapist in Orlando