Why Small Comments Trigger Big Anger | Real Counseling Orlando
Anger is often just the outer layer. Here’s what sits underneath it.
When I’m talking to people and explaining what exactly I do, and how it might be of help to them, I like to explain it with what I call the “onion model.”
What’s underneath the anger
Imagine someone says to you, “You’ve got big ears,” and you get 10/10 angry. Fire and brimstone. That’s the first layer of the onion: anger.
Let’s peel it back.
Hurt: “You know, it’s not that I’m angry. Rather, I feel tremendously hurt and embarrassed.”
Values: “I feel hurt and embarrassed because I really value trust and safety in my relationships.”
History: “Growing up, my father used to make fun of my ears and call me Dumbo.”
Family: “My father was always drinking, and the few memories I have of him are of him making fun of me.”
Loss: “My father died in a car accident, and I don’t really have many positive memories. Most of them are just him teasing me.”
You can almost draw a straight line from all those feelings related to the father (the grief, the sorrow, the sadness, the longing) to the rather silly statement about the ears.
When the outer layer is depression or drinking
Like this, I’ve seen great progress with various issues. Someone comes in struggling with depression, and when you start to dig, you discover that what you feel in the present moment as depression is actually deep dissatisfaction with a career you chose because you were expected to follow in the family footsteps. Or perhaps someone comes in struggling with alcohol, and as you peel the layers back, it turns out they really struggle connecting with people, often feel very isolated, and use alcohol to manage that isolation and longing.
A lot of modern therapy focuses exclusively on the presenting symptoms, the outer layer of the onion. That certainly has its merits, and in fact, we’ll also spend a lot of time examining the outer layer, your relationship to it, and how to work with it. But for some people, the outer layer really is just the outer layer, and it isn’t until they start to peel it back and see the “man behind the curtain” that they feel relief.
If you recognize this, a reaction that’s bigger than the moment, or depression or drinking with no obvious cause, this is the kind of work I do with people in Orlando and online across Florida. Reach out when you’re ready.